Let’s be honest: every marriage faces challenges. But sometimes, we can get so caught up in the day-to-day drama of misunderstandings, arguments, or unmet expectations, that we end up missing the bigger picture.
The question is: Is your marriage passing the “bare minimum” test?
What Is the Bare Minimum Test?
The “bare minimum” test is simple. Ask yourself this question:
How would you know if the essentials of your marriage weren’t there?
My favourite way to do this, is to come up with a list of absolute ‘Deal-Breakers’ that are red lines for you. These aren’t negative qualities that someone might fall into from time to time. These are, as the name implies, actual DEAL. BREAKERS.
As far as you’re concerned they literally invalidate the marriage. After any of these behaviours, getting a divorce would just be a simple matter of paperwork.
The important thing to keep clear here, is that these deal-breakers will be personal to you.
And by the way, if you’re not married yet, it’s definitely still worth coming up with your personal list of deal-breakers – so you know in advance what you’re open to letting slide and what you’re absolutely not willing to put with.
Here are my basic “deal-breakers” to give you an idea of how serious they are:
- Violence: I know people can get crazy sometimes. It’s as if insecure thinking and negative feelings can almost ‘possess’ us. I get that. But I wouldn’t stay with someone who lets it get so out of control that they get physically violent with me or the kids.
- Cheating: Total deal-breaker for me. Sure, I know of couples who have worked through it. I won’t bother. I’d rather take it on the chin, cut my losses, and move on. I’m not saying you have to take the same approach as me – again, these are all personal.
- Loyalty and Trust: If I can’t know with certainty that my wife has my back, that she’s on my side no matter what, the relationship starts to crumble. There are obvious exceptions and context to this one – if I’m really the bad guy in a situation, then being ‘on my side’ means pointing out that I’m in the wrong… not encouraging me to keep going in the wrong direction!
These are mine, but yours may be different. The key is knowing what you won’t accept and being honest about it from the outset.
Notice that these ‘deal-breakers’ are all negatives. They’re the things I absolutely don’t want to happen in our marriage. You might have some positive ‘essentials’, but I’d be careful with that kind of list, because it can very quickly turn into a ‘wish list’ that isn’t actually necessary for you to have a great marriage.
If your marriage clears the bare minimum – free of any personal deal-breakers – there’s still one more crucial requirement for saving it, upgrading it and turning it around.
Both of you must believe the marriage is worth saving. Not that it ‘can’ be saved (most people have no idea what’s possible when they use our methods). “Worth” saving doesn’t mean all the problems are solved or that either of you have to feel perfectly happy right now. It just means you’re willing to put in the effort and try something different, because you both see the possibility of a better future together.
Once you’ve passed these test – the ‘deal breakers’ and the ‘worth saving’ tests – the work begins.
This is where the Marriage Made Easy system comes in. It starts in Module 1 with The Psychological Switch where, you begin to realize that your feelings come from your own thoughts – not your spouse – and that begins to change everything. It gets you to stop blaming each other and start seeing the relationship with fresh eyes.
That paves the way for better communication, gives you the space and mindset to drop resentments and put an end to the everyday frustrations… and then you’ll start to deepen the love, connection and intimacy… which is where the real fun starts and your marriage start to give you energy instead of draining it away.
If your marriage doesn’t pass the bare minimum test, ignoring the warning signs won’t make them go away. You’ll have to decide for yourself whether you’re willing to do the work required to heal or whether it’s time to step away.
But if your marriage does pass the Bare Minimum Test, and you’re both willing to fight for it, there’s more than just ‘hope’. Even the most challenging relationships can transform with the right tools and the right mindset.If you’re ready to take your relationship way beyond the bare minimum and create something really extraordinary, together, there’s a way forward.
