Last week’s Nafs Mastery Session was epic.
I planned to share 7 different, potentially marriage-saving teachings about relationships, but after covering ‘forgiveness’, my intuition kicked in and I asked a simple question:
“Who are you struggling to forgive right now?”
As you can imagine, the response was quite visceral.
I could see people on Zoom shifting in their seats.
What resulted was half a dozen powerful ‘laser coaching’ sessions that resulted in people instantly dropping their grudges against people, live, on the spot.
The first person to get coached, who had a really good reason to not be impressed with her ex-husband (read: filled with anger!), then immediately ‘got it’ and realised something that made her drop her non-forgiveness, instantly.
Here was the big shift that happened for her – and everyone on the call:
Forgiveness doesn’t let the other person off the hook. It lets you off the hook.
Sometimes we feel like we don’t want to forgive someone, because they wronged us – and if we forgive them it’s like we’re letting them get away with it.
So, we hold onto the grudge.
We stay stuck in the negative, frustrated thinking and feeling we have about them. They stay on our minds, no matter how much we don’t want them to be. And the more we think about them, the more frustrated and outraged we become.
It’s a little bit like trying to punish them by concocting a cup of poison… and then drinking it up yourself!
Your grudge and the negative feelings that come from non-forgiveness doesn’t harm them at all. It only harms you.
There is literally zero benefit to you – and zero harm to them – from you holding on to non-forgiveness.
And there is an enormous benefit to you – and zero benefit to them – from you dropping the grudge and forgiving them.
It’s almost like: why would you wanna let them win by tearing yourself up emotionally on their behalf?
The problem is this:
Forgiveness is virtually impossible to do, if you’re holding on to the idea that to forgive them means that you let them do it to you again. If that were the case, you’d be right not to forgive them. Only a crazy person would forgive a serial killer if it meant that they could stay out of jail and keep going!
But, that’s not how forgiveness works.
Forgiveness is an entirely INTERNAL thing.
If someone steals your car, you can completely forgive them – and still make sure the police capture them, return the car and give them a sentence appropriate to the crime.
However, non-forgiveness doesn’t get you the car back any quicker. It only fills you with pain the entire time.
The moment my client (and the whole group) realised these truths, the entire energy shifted and suddenly, a beautiful thing happened. I asked:
“Do you still feel like you need to forgive your ex… or is it already gone?”
Her face was beaming as she replied, almost in disbelief: “It’s gone!”
It’s really hard to hold onto a red hot coal, when you realise you can drop it.
And what a relief when the pain is gone!
If you’re struggling to forgive someone in your life, you might be surprised at how powerful a coaching session can be. If you want to explore the possibility of hiring me for the job, check this out:
