Back in 2010, I had just started my coaching business and was taking every coach training course I could get my hands on.
One of them was to become a certified relationship coach. Which, I’ll admit, was a little ironic given how my marriage was constantly filled with conflicts that I didn’t know how to resolve. But I figured this course might help me – I wasn’t planning on helping others in an area I was struggling.
And help me it did… a lot.
One of the key teachings in this course was filled with wisdom that has always stayed with me ever since.
The core concepts were:
- Make yourself happy (no-one else can)
- I get upset because of me (not because of you)
- Be respectful (especially when you’re mad)
The ‘meat’ of the course went on to give you the emotional tools to deal with your own unhappiness and upset.
This course was the first nail in the coffin of my marriage.
Why?
Because the trainer was right.
Realising these 3 ‘truisms’ got me thinking about a couple of things…
Firstly, I thought: “If I have the power to make myself happy and my partner literally can’t… then why the heck have I been acting as if all of my happiness depends on her? And what would it take for me to be happy first and foremost?”
It’s very common to believe that “you make me happy”. But, upon deeper inspection, it turns out to not be true. You may do things I like and avoid things I don’t like, but no-one else can control my momentary thinking and feeling, whether it’s positive or negative.
Secondly, I figured: “If I get upset because of me, not because of you, then why the heck am I taking it out on you… and why would I ever walk on egg-shells around you in an attempt to stop you from becoming upset… as if I have the power to control your feelings?”
Pretty soon, that led to a ‘pattern interrupt’ in all of our continuous fights. When I would get upset, I knew that it wasn’t her fault, and I had to deal with it inside of myself. I went away, meditated and eventually discovered the ‘Inner Salam Method’, which was the best tool I had discovered up to that point to handle emotional storms.
And she would get upset, I knew that there wasn’t much I could do about it, beyond passing over the tissues.
Suddenly, it was clear to me what was really ‘my stuff’ and what was ‘her stuff’.
And that made all the difference.
About a year later, we got divorced.
I figured I could deal with ‘my stuff’ but I couldn’t support her in the kind of way she needed to deal with ‘her stuff’.
And so it was.
I believe that every relationship that doesn’t work out contains lessons that you really had to learn in order for you to be the best partner you can, for your ‘optimal spouse’.
And, I now see clearly how my marriage today is about 1,000x better than it possibly could have been if I hadn’t been on this journey to discover where feelings come from, what truly causes them and how to let them go.
If you want the kind of relationship training that gives you the tools to build an awesome, enjoyable, truly conscious marriage, then it’s coming up in a few weeks:
