From the thousands of coaching sessions I’ve conducted, by now it seems pretty obvious that the biggest block to a person being able to forgive someone is a belief that goes something like this:
“If they don’t own their mistake and change, then I shouldn’t forgive them.”
The part of you that doesn’t want to forgive someone, sees the logic in this.
Even though, objectively, it’s totally irrational.
Let me ‘splain you:
There are a load of assumptions baked into this false-logic that it’s worth unpacking…
1. We’re assuming that your forgiveness benefits them.
It doesn’t. It benefits you. The moment you let go of a grudge and forgive the other person, it’s like a weight lifts off your shoulders.
Why let that huge benefit depend on their crummy mindset, that you have no control over?
2. We’re assuming that punishment and forgiveness are opposites.
In Islamic theology, that might appear to be true for God on the Day of Judgement… but you’re not God!
In this world, you can completely forgive some and clean your heart of hatred… and still make sure they face the consequences of their actions. For example, you might forgive a thief who steals your car… but you still call the police, get your car back and let the courts decide what their punishment will be – for the safety of society.
3. We’re assuming they are the cause of your angry, grudge-y feelings.
They’re not.
How do I know this for certain? Because it’s possible (whether you believe it or not) to let go of those feelings, without them un-doing the bad thing that they did to you.
4. We’re assuming they CAN change.
They might not be able to. If a person is stuck in a low, ego-driven mindset and behaviour pattern, they might literally not know or be able to get out of it (let alone believe that they should).
The mistake here is to think that because you know that you would never do what they did, that they also have the awareness to not do it either. That’s probably not the case… because they did do it!
5. We’re assuming they made an intentional mistake
We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and other people by their actions.
6. We’re assuming forgiveness lets them off the hook.
In reality, it lets you off the hook, not them.
They don’t even have to know that you’ve forgiven them. This is something that happens in your heart and the moment you do it, Allah cleanses you and by spiritual law bestows infinitely more grace, blessing and forgiveness upon you.
It’s as if Allah says, “Oh, you think you’re forgiving… wait til you see how much blessing and forgiveness I’m going to grant you.”
As much as all of this may be true, it can still be very tough to forgive someone who really did you wrong.
That’s because you haven’t flipped The Psychological Switch.
And you’ve never experienced The Inner Salam Method.
And you’re not super-present (certainly not in this relationship context).
In other words, it’s because you haven’t committed yourself to this program of personal transformation yet:
