Back when I was a single, lonely, divorced bloke I went through a phase of not seeing anyone or considering anyone, which lasted about 9 months.
Then I had a life-altering insight that I wrote about in the book, “Inside the Soul of Islam”.
And after that, I was basically a magnet.
There’s something about walking around without a head-full of thinking, insecurity, self-doubt and fear, that is totally freeing… and totally attractive.
Before that insight, I can see why I was pretty much repulsive to women… like a needy, slimy divorced loser guy. It didn’t matter how many sit-ups I did to try and get back in physical shape… in my core I just didn’t ‘have it’.
And when I got it (mentally, emotionally, psychologically & spiritually), I was walking around in Barcelona like a kid in a candy store… (where all the candy has GELATINE!).
Anyway, I was blessed to have some great mentors and coaches to guide me through this weird phase of life, where you’re free, single and magnetic…. but have no idea how to choose the optimal partner.
One of them pointed out a really simple 4-part criteria that gives you a pretty good indication whether you should keep seeing someone or let it go. And when I matched it to Rachida, I realised she was a keeper.
The question to ask yourself is, are you totally into them in all 4 of these areas…
AREA #1: BODY
Are they attractive enough that you’d be happy to jump in bed with them (given the right circumstances, if you were married and it was halal and all that). This one’s pretty obvious, especially to most men… but every now and then I talk with a bloke who’s too ‘pious’ for his good. But you need all 4 of these areas in your partner, whether you’re a man or woman.
AREA #2: MIND
Are you on the ‘same page’ mentally? The big question here is: can you talk all day long and not get bored of each other. As one of my mentors once said to me, after I told her that I just met this girl named, “Rachida” and we talk for like 4-5 hours a day…
“Well that’s a good sign, because when you’re married, you’ll be doing a lot more talking than anything else!”
AREA #3: HEART (EMOTIONS)
Do you feel really good around them and when you’re together? Do you feel a strong emotional connection and bond that you can realistically see getting stronger over time? Do you love them?
Can you see yourself loving them over the long term and being ride-or-die partners in ‘fighting crime’? If not, trust your intuition and get out while the getting’s good.
And finally…
AREA #4: SOUL
I once heard an man say that before he got married he told his shaykh that he really liked this woman and he wanted to marry her.
The Shaykh asked him: “What’s she like?” The mam responded, “Oh, she’s wonderful. She teaches Quran recitation (tajweed).”
The Shaykh said: “Is that what you think marriage is going to be like? A big 50-year tajweed lesson?”
The man got the point. And realised he had a lot to learn about love and marriage. But 20 years later, they’re still happily married – and being on the same Spiritual Path probably helped… along with the other 3 areas being aligned.
Being ‘spiritually aligned’ doesn’t mean you have to marry a religious scholar. It just means that you’re on the same overall path towards God. Use whatever criteria you want, as long as in your mind, when you’re being honest with yourself, you are both genuinely on the same spiritual path.
When I think about Rachida, I’m so grateful to have found someone that is a “Total 10” match with me in all 4 areas.
Think about your partner (or potential partner).
Are you aligned in all 4 areas?
If you’re not married, and you’re not aligned in all 4… you probably need to have some big awkward conversations now, to save yourself a lot of headache in the future.
If you ARE married and not aligned in all 4, then let me guess… that’s the area where you’re having trouble with them, right?
Don’t worry. Not all is lost. There are ways you can increase each other’s scores.
In any case, here’s what I would do next in your position…
