The last couple of weeks I’ve been going around Marrakech with a pair of orange tinted glasses that Rachida gave me. And as I walked around seeing palm trees and beautiful scenery with these tinted glasses, it reminded me of the great Tony Stark.
It got me thinking that in some ways, I used to be a bit like Iron Man.
Not the billionaire, genius philanthropist part (hah!), but more like the selfish, self-centered not-marriage-material part. Just like Tony Stark at the beginning of his story, I used to be so focused on what I wanted, how I felt, and what wasn’t going right for me, that I couldn’t see the emotional “weapons” I was bringing into my marriage. (No surprises my first marriage ultimately ended in divorce).
Things like sarcasm, dismissive comments, shutting down emotionally when I felt hurt – all of those natural insecure patterns kept making things worse, and I didn’t even realize it. The whole time, I thought the problem was out there – my spouse, my circumstances, my family, life itself.
But the truth?
The real issue was me. And I was too dumb to realise it.
Then, just like Tony Stark in that cave, I had a wake-up call.
Iron Man’s turning point came when he was forced to face the destruction caused by the weapons that were made by his own company. For me, it came when I realized that every time I blamed someone or something else for my own feelings, I was handing over my power.
That realization shifted everything.
And because I’m a total movie-nut and Marvel fan, I’ve watched the Iron Man and Avengers trilogies way too many times. (I saw Iron Man 5x times in the cinema when I lived in Egypt… and the Avengers 5x times when I lived alone in Barcelona).
So if there’s anything I’m qualified for, it’s taking a deeper look at the relationship lessons from the great Tony Stark’s transformation.
So here we go – my top 3 insights for turning into an Iron Man level super hero for your own family:
- Dismantle Emotional Weapons
I used to think sarcasm was harmless, or that shutting down during a conflict was just “me needing space.” But those behaviors were like emotional grenades – they caused damage I couldn’t see at the time. They’re a reaction that comes from believing that getting ‘one up’ on the other person or keeping away from them will ultimately make you ‘feel better’.
When you wake up to the fact that feelings are always an inside job – always coming from your own state of mind – you naturally lighten up. Without even trying, you automatically start replacing criticism with kindness, silence with open communication, and blame with deeper listening and understanding, all of which leads to a better marriage.
A simple practice: The next time conflict arises, pause before you respond. Bring as much presence and conscious awareness as possible into the situation. Listen more deeply and notice any reactions within yourself. Before responding, slow down and ask yourself, “What can I say now that will actually bring us closer together?”
An even better practice: Before the next conflict arises, go through the Marriage Made Easy training to drop any marriage-based insecurity, resentment and reactivity in the first place. In fact, that’s probably the best way to… - Build Your “Suit” of Inner Strength
Tony Stark didn’t become Iron Man overnight. He built his suit, piece by piece, refining it over time. In fact, you can even see as the movies progress, his suits get better and better. The same is true for your emotional strength in marriage.
For me, one of the biggest breakthroughs was learning the “Inner Salam Method” – a simple, intuitive meditative technique that you can do when you’re in the thick of it, that helps you let go of negative feelings and “reset” to inner-peace.
When you get good at it, you’ll find that you can face challenges in your marriage with a sense of calm, clarity, and connection. Imagine being able to let go of resentment in minutes, instead of letting it simmer for days and letting it drive you apart. And, the best part is, it returns you to the state of mind where you’re more likely to… - Focus On The Big-Picture
Tony Stark became an actual hero when he stopped thinking about himself only and asking, “What’s in it for me?” and started thinking about the big picture, “How can I serve humanity with my gifts?”. This of course culminated in his ultimate sacrifice at the end of the Avengers saga.
So here’s a big-picture marriage question for you: “What is the actual point of being married in the first place?”
The way I see it, the bigger picture of marriage is all about using it as a spiritual practice, to become the best version of yourself. In other words, doing the best you can to serve your partner as a Prophetically-inspired person. Now this is always the much harder path, but it’s also the much more rewarding path.
It’s like the Quran points us to in Surah Balad, “And what will make you know what the ‘steep path’ is? … (It’s) to be one of those who believe and urge one another towards resilience and loving kindness.”
What does that look like in marriage?
It’s when you focus on being resilient by letting go of your own hang-ups, issues and past hurts, and focus on being as loving as you can toward your partner instead, by filling yourself up with Allah’s Love and giving more to them, whether or not your ego thinks they “deserve it”.
When you do that, something pretty amazing happens: your partner naturally starts reflecting that love back to you and things start getting better between you. You know what else you get? Eternal Bliss! (Don’t believe me. Read the Quran. It’s all in there!). This is the Path to Paradise. It’s the Spiritual Warrior’s path.
It’s easy to get bogged down in the little disagreements and fights, not realising that they’re all a big fat TEST from Allah, the Most Loving, to see how you’ll react and what level of consciousness you’re willing to bring to the game of love and marriage.
If you’re finally ready to dismantle your own personal emotional weapons, build your suit of inner strength, and focus on the big picture of your marriage, then here’s the step-by-step instruction manual to join the rest of the Avengers and build your very own Iron Man suit:
