Having successfully coached a few hundred Muslim men, women and couples on marriage, at this point it may well be a religious obligation to let Muslim men know how to avoid the most common mistakes that get you dumped.
These are in no particular order.
And I’m bound to miss a few big ones out. (Feel free to reply and let me know)…
- Not paying for the meal. You’re the guy. I don’t care how much of a wannabe feminist mush-cookie you are, or what the creepy ‘pick up artists’ have been telling you – a Muslim woman expects that a guy is financially stable enough to pay for a meal and will never let her pay. It’s basic chivalry. If you don’t want to pay for a meal, don’t go to a restaurant.
- Asking for more pictures. Do I even need to explain this one? How creepy can you get? This is especially bad if you haven’t even met (newsflash: you never will meet if you do this) and if aren’t close.
- Sending pictures. If you’re doing this, you probably aren’t looking for marriage anyway, but I’m putting it here for the record.
- Not taking the next step. Texting, but not arranging to talk. Talking on the phone but not arranging to meet up. Meeting up but not arranging the next steps with family. Meeting with families but not getting engaged and ultimately married. If you want the woman, make the moves yourself.
- Letting her arrange any aspect of the date. It’s your job to lead the relationship. Most women would prefer to go to a restaurant they don’t like and sit in a place they don’t like but at least be with a decision-making man… than have the headache of choosing the location, restaurant and seat themselves and sit with a guy who won’t lead and make decisions.
- Trying to get her to travel to meet you… instead of travelling to meet her. You’re the man. Buy a train ticket. If you can’t afford one… stop trying to get married and get a better job.
- Not giving a ‘safe’ vibe. The role of the man is protection and provision. She should never feel like she needs protection FROM you. If she does, you’ve already lost her… and you’ll lose anyone else you trying attracting. If all you do is make yourself appear safe (by actually being a safe person), connection will grow, she’ll start opening up and eventually it can lead to love and marriage, if you’re a perfect match. A lot of guys never get past the first or second meeting because she was creeped out by you.
- Asking STUPID questions that would only be relevant 5 years into marriage… on the FIRST date.
- Read that last bullet again and figure out what else you might talk about for a couple of hours that does NOT involve figuring out if she would work after maternity leave after the second kid, if she lived within 3 blocks from her in-laws and there was help at home. If she doesn’t like you in the first place, you will literally never find out… and being grilled on stuff like this is not a great way to connect with someone.
- Not having enough confidence. Not starting the conversation. Not saying ‘salam’ when you first meet. Not making eye-contact. Not sitting, standing and moving like someone who’s totally comfortable in their own skin.
…and many, many more. But hopefully this gives you a starting point.
If any of this sounds a little harsh, it may well be.
If you’re doing any of these things, maybe you need an older brother to back-handed slap you into the success you could be having.
Truth is, most Muslim men never got any real guidance on how to ‘be a man’ or ‘attract a woman’ for all kinds of reasons. In a lot of Asian and Arab families it’s taboo to talk about the process of finding a partner – but that doesn’t stop the elders for condemning you for not being married yet.
I can’t claim to know how to fix all of society’s problems… but if you’re a single guy, I can definitely fix your not-yet-married-to-the-woman-of-your-dreams problem.
To apply for a “Sparring Session” with me, the first step is to sign up for the Switch Masterclass and watch it carefully:
