Here’s a question I get far too frequently these days. In fact, I’ve had 2 or 3 similar questions emailed in, so I’m going to summarise them and answer in one go.
Here’s the big question…
QUESTION:
“My husband went on a dating app and cheated on me. We have 2 young kids (toddlers). Should I forgive him? I was going to divorce him but his family begged me to give him last chance. What should I do?”
ANSWER:
(Note: Sometimes I receive questions that have vague wording and it’s unclear whether the guy *actually* cheated or not. In this response, I assume that ‘cheating’ means getting physically intimate with another woman. For ‘lesser’ forms of cheating, I’ll address it in other articles.)
Here’s my response:
ONE: Forgiveness has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not you take him back.
There’s a big difference between forgiveness and foolishness. For example, if someone cheated me, I might forgive them… but I definitely wouldn’t put myself in a position where they could cheat me a second time. In fact, it may even be easier to forgive the person if I don’t also have to figure out how to continue living with them.
Forgiveness can be done completely and comprehensively from a distance, without ever having to interact with the person again.
TWO: Forgiveness isn’t letting them off the hook. It’s letting you off the hook.
This is related to the point above. When you forgive someone it doesn’t mean that they didn’t do anything wrong. It means that you are dropping your negative feelings about whatever they did.
In an extreme example, you could forgive a murderer, but still turn them into the police, charge them for their crimes and see that they go to jail. Forgiveness isn’t about letting them off. It’s letting yourself off all the horrible feelings of anger, frustration, holding a grudge and continually thinking about what they did over and over again. That’s torturing yourself. Forgiveness is a way to let all that negativity go, inside of yourself.
THREE: This was pre-meditated
You mentioned he was on a DATING APP?!?! It’s not in any way normal, or okay for your husband to be on a dating app. The only reason a married guy should be on a dating app is…
…oh wait, there isn’t one.
This is a horror story for single women as well as married women… and it’s why if you’re single, you should always ask to meet all the family and relatives of the person you’re interested in – and take it as a big red flag if they try making excuses for why you can’t meet their family.
FOUR: His family don’t care about you.
They only care about him, his standing in society, keeping everything quiet… and maybe a little bit the kids too. It’s probably VERY important to them that you don’t make a big fuss and tell everyone about what he did. I’m sure that would all be rather embarrassing to them.
And fortunately, because you’re a kind, intelligent person who’s smart enough to read my email newsletter, you won’t publicise his sins. In Islam, we aim to cover people’s sins wherever possible, in the hope that Allah will overlook our faults and not reveal them to others.
However, the main point here is: it seems a bit silly to me, to make your own life extremely difficult by staying with him… just because his family asked you to.
FIVE: No Trust = No Marriage
If I didn’t trust my wife… it would just be a matter of time until things would come to their inevitable end. Trust is the biggest factor in a successful marriage. In fact, it’s even bigger than any wrong the partner may have done. If a partner has a very bad habit, but they’re totally honest and open with you about it, you could still potentially make it work. But a partner you can’t trust? Who lies, cheats, breaks promises, goes behind your back? I would forgive them, but not go near them again.
But then again, maybe that’s just me. I’m a boring guy and pointless drama is like my Kryptonite. But, that’s all you’ll ever get if you stay with a cheater: pointless drama
SIX: Cheaters Cheat
Hopefully this is stating the obvious.
It’s not that people can’t change. It’s that you can’t count on it. And you certainly don’t have to be there while they try and figure it out and go through a lengthy process that they may never get through.
Hopefully he will change, insha’Allah. I wish this guy all the best – I just wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him until the transformation is complete and he would rather jump into a fire than touch a woman he’s not related to.
Don’t stay with this guy under the ‘hope’ that he won’t cheat again. If you stay with him, assume he will and be okay with it. If you can’t do that (I’m pretty sure I couldn’t), then end it.
SEVEN: Your Kids Will Benefit Tremendously From A Male Role-Model
Now, if I get off my morally righteous high-horse for a minute, we can get real. The family unit has great importance and breaking up a family is not a small matter, especially with young kids. But if it does end now, it’s really not on you. He was playing with fire the moment he loaded up a dating app.
The only real question you should be asking yourself is:
Is it better for my kids to grow up with a dad who cheats on me and mistreats me… or is it better that they grow up in a co-parenting situation, where I move on and eventually marry a noble man – and they are taught to keep a cordial relationship with their father?
No-one can answer this question for you. And either way, fully own the answer and go all-in.
In other words, if you do choose to stay with him for any number of reasons, then…
EIGHT: Own Your Decision 100% And Go All-In.
If you stay with him, give him all your love, attention, kindness, and forgive him completely. Don’t hold his mistake against him. And make the marriage so good for him, that he never even wants to cheat on you… because he gets more satisfaction from being with you than he could ever dream of getting from anywhere else.
What’s that you say? You could never do that? He doesn’t deserve it?
Okay, then end it now and be with someone who does deserve your love.
But don’t stay in the marriage and make it miserable for him and you and the kids for the next few decades. Go all-in, either way.
Alright, that’s all I’ve got for you today folks.
If you want more and want to know what to do in your situation or how to save (or 10x the joy in) your own marriage, book in a 1-to-1 “Sparring Session” with me and we’ll figure it out… but only after carefully going through this masterclass first:
