One of the most common mistakes I see in marriages is trying to fix your partnerâs (seemingly countless) flaws. And one of the most common objections to me pointing this out is that the person Iâm coaching will say: âOh no, but you donât understand, they even [insert typical human flaws]â.
It often sounds something like this:
- âIf only theyâd be more affectionate, then Iâd be happy.â
- âWhy canât they just be more supportive?â
- âIf they would change, everything would be better.â
Now you might be thinking… Whatâs wrong with that? They should be more affectionate, supportive and change their bad behaviour, right?
Maybe. The problem is that this mindset creates resistance, not connection.
No one likes to feel judged or ânot good enough,â especially in a marriage. As the old saying goes: âEveryone loves chocolate; but no-one loves having it shoved down their throat.â
Hereâs a Reality Check:
- You canât control your spouseâs behavior.
- You canât force them to change.
- But you can transform your own mindset â and when you do, it often has a positive ripple effect on your relationship.
The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) showed us this wisdom time and again. He didn’t lead by just telling people to do what he wanted. He always lead by example, not by trying to change others. His kindness, resilience, and spiritual presence inspired transformation in his family and companions.
So instead of trying to fix your partner, ask yourself:
- How can I bring more presence, love and deep listening to this relationship?
- What expectations can I let go of that would be a relief for my partner? (And am I conscious enough to let go of the illusion that I need them to do XYZ for me to be happy?)
- Do I feel better when I focus on whatâs wrong with them, or when I focus on whatâs right with them and all the blessings Allah gives me through them?
When you shift your focus inward, something amazing happens: Your partner feels it.
They sense your love, your ease, and your presence â and often, they naturally start to lighten up and respond in kind.
If youâre tired of trying to âfixâ your marriage and are ready to transform it from the inside out, Iâd love to show you how.
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