I recently had a question come in from a coaching client who wanted to know this:
Question:
“How long after a breakup should you wait before starting to look for new potential partners again? I’m in my mid-thirties and don’t have forever to wait, but I’m concerned that I’ll bring a lot of baggage to a new relationship if I rush into it.”
Answer:
Time does not heal. Insight heals.
There is no set timeline for how long we should wait before diving into dating again.
The problem with trying to figure out how long to wait, is that you’re trying to measure your past relationship with time. It’s as if you’re saying, ‘the longer I wait, the more I loved them and the better person I am’. In reality, it doesn’t work that way.
As soon as you let go of the “Outside-In” Psychological Illusion that feelings can come from breakups or past relationships, you’re ready.
Let me demonstrate this with a quick story about my favourite subject: Me!
Almost a decade ago I got divorced after 6 years of (admittedly troubled) marriage. And, I had this same question on my mind. Would I be a terrible, heartless person if I moved on? Would that mean that I never really loved my ex-wife? Or is it an excellent idea to move on to a new relationship – is that exactly what a red-blooded male needs to get an ‘ex’ off his mind?
I had heard somewhere one of the most common relationship myths: 1 month for every year. So, if it was a 6 year relationship, it requires 6 months of being alone. So I didn’t rush into anything for 6 months. And nothing changed. I still had a hard time thinking about love and marriage and my mind was still filled with limiting beliefs and negative emotions around this subject.
It turns out, the idea of 1 month of being alone for each year of a relationship… is total baqwas (translation: rubbish!).
9 months after separating, I came across the Psychological Reality that I share in the book, “Inside the Soul of Islam” and in all of my online training programs. And within literally one moment, all my insecurities, fears, self-doubts, and self-sabotaging thinking about women, marriage and relationships seemed to just ‘disappear’.
A couple of weeks after that I started meeting people again.
And a couple of years later, I met Rachida.
Long story short:
One insight based on the Psychological Reality (that all feeling always comes from thought in the moment) can free you from months or even years of insecure thinking about marriage, so you can truly, deeply, ‘move on’.
You’re only ever one thought away from total transformation.
It could take a few years for you to have that life-changing thought. Or it could take a few days… or even a few minutes.
