The other day, I received a text message from a sister about an article I wrote a few days ago titled, “Rumis wisdom on love”.
She was not too pleased with my position. Which is a shame, because it’s the theme that underlies every coaching session, event, online program and email article I’ve ever written. It’s also the central teaching in my bestselling book, “Inside the Soul of Islam”.
That theme is “The Psychological Switch” – the understanding that feeling always comes from thought in the moment.
She took a screenshot of my article and asked:
Woman: “Is this your words?”
Me: “Yep”
Woman: “So now a wife has just text me saying her husband thinks he doesn’t have to make her happy as happiness is within us!!!”
Me: “Then tell her to make him book a session with me!!!”
Woman: “He doesn’t think he needs a session as he is fine with what u said but wife isn’t”
Me: “Then he’s being a bit thick and heading for divorce if he keeps it up. Wish him the best of luck.”
Yep, that’s right folks.
This guy could Psychological Switch himself straight to the divorce attorney.
Why?
What’s he missing?
Well, quite a lot by the sounds of it. Not least of which is the fact that when the wife wants you to “make” her happy, she means “treat me better!”
It’s true that he can’t literally “make” his wife happy. Pretty much every wise guy knows you can’t “make” a woman happy. You don’t have the power to dictate another person’s thinking and feeling.
What you can (and in my humble opinion should) do, if you plan to have a marriage that stands the test of time, is be a one way street of love, benevolence and goodness towards your partner.
As a Muslim, my role model of masculinity (peace & blessings upon him) taught me:
“The best among you are the best to their wives.”
And
“The best among you are the best to their families.”
You want to know the reason most men stop being good to their wives?
There are 2 reasons:
- The wife is happy or “okay”, so the guy relaxes and thinks he doesn’t have to do anything more… (ie. He treats her very different after marriage to the way he did when he was still trying to woo her)
- The wife is upset and NOTHING the guy does can change that.
A wise man, following the prophetic method, does not let the temporary, fleeting thoughts, feelings and moods of his wife stop him from continuously doing good to her.
Sure, that won’t technically “make” her happy.
But, that’s not the goal. The goal is to treat her so well, no matter what her mood is, that you are literally counted as being among the best of humanity, by being “the best” to your wife.
You do good to her, whether she’s super-happy or in the middle of a thought storm, without taking any of it personally, without letting your own ego get in the way and without slowing down just because she seems to be “okay”.
If your wife’s in a bad mood with you, telling her it’s “her thinking” is about the dumbest thing you can do. And it’s the path to divorce. And it’s a long way from being a “good” let alone the “best” husband possible.
If your wife’s in a good mood with you, keep it up! Don’t let the fact that she’s happy be a reason for you to stop treating her and showering her with gifts, sweet words, quality time and all the different things your creative mind can come up with as a way of saying “I love you”.
In any case, if you want to improve your marriage, get training from someone who knows how the mind works and deeply understands the Psychological Switch, before a misunderstanding of it leads you down the wrong path.
And before you send me an email telling me that you’re fine and your partner’s the one who needs help (like this guy was apparently thinking), let me assure you – you’re wrong.
The fact that you ended up with them is evidence enough that you’ve got just as much to be coached on as they do. If nothing else, you’ve gotta figure out how to live and deal with them, as your highest, best self.
And from what I understand my fees are significantly lower than a divorce attorney:
