Last week I wrote an article called:
How to hold onto a grudge for life
Here’s an excellent question that came in response, from Rameen:
As always Mamoon, a very thoughtful piece. Salaam alaikum. Hope all is going well with you and your family. A question that comes while reading this and many other related pieces you’ve written earlier.
How do you let go and also not be wronged over and over again?
With the psychological switch you’d definitely be more at peace, but life happens and the same people wrong you over again, which most of the time as you said replays all other instances in the past againā¦ while there is accountability on us to be in the present moment but also on others for not being manipulative.
How can we bring balance when surrounded by such people?
Appreciate all your thoughts and point of views always.
Thanks, Remeen
MY RESPONSE:
It is a very common mistake to believe that ‘letting go’ of a grudge and finding forgiveness within your heart, means that you let the OTHER person off the hook.
No, absolutely not.
You let yourself off the hook.
While you’re holding onto a grudge, you feel anger and upset at the injustice. “How could they? How dare they?” we might say to ourselves in this state.
When we let go of a grudge, along with the anger and frustration underneath it, that’s when we’ve truly forgiven the person or situation.
So, how is that NOT letting them off the hook?
Simple.
You’re now about 1000x more powerful in the situation. You have logic. You have common sense. You can implement, with total neutrality, whatever law or consequence you believe to be appropriate, in order to stop their ‘wronging’ you ever again.
Most people go through a cycle of extreme anger at the injustice, and then eventually guilt stops them from actually taking appropriate action.
When you let go of all of these negative feelings, you also let go of the guilt that was stopping you from putting the other person in their place.
Let’s look at a common scenario from both a ‘switched off’ (not realising what’s causing your feelings) perspective and a “switched on” (realising feeling is coming from thought in the moment) perspective.
Example when we’re “switched off”:
Husband abuses wife, mentally, verbally or physically. Wife feels tremendous anger. She tries to start moving out of the situation. Eventually she feels better. Because she feels better, she ‘forgives him’ for his actions and feels sorry for him and even guilty at the thought of leaving him. As a result, she doesn’t hold him accountable and goes back to him. He abuses her again, and the cycle repeats.
Example when we’re “switched on”:
Husband abuses wife, mentally, verbally or physically. Wife feels tremendous anger. She wants to leave but has guilt at the thought of leaving. She realises she needs to ‘let go’ of all this emotion and see what’s really causing it. She wakes up to the fact that all her anger, frustration and guilt was coming from thought in the moment, not from his behaviour.
She truly forgives him, in her heart.
However, she now has a calm mind and common sense, not distracted by negative emotions. She realises, he has been mistreating her and there’s no reason why she should put up with bad behaviour like that. She leaves.
After making herself safe, she sends him a note explaining, Taylor Swift style, that we are Never, Ever, Ever getting back togetherā¦ but I have no hard feelings about you at all and I forgive you, totally. The husband is shocked, does everything he can to get her back, but nothing works, because she can’t be guilt-tripped into returning any more.
She lives happily ever after and is very glad she hired me to be her coach and teach her this stuff.
It was, indeed, very wise of her to read this newsletter and click the magic button to talk her situation through with me, before it was too late:
