Here’s a question I recently got from a client.
I’ve made all the details as vague as possible for privacy purposes.
QUESTION:
My sibling and their spouse have been accused of abusive behaviour, and they have several kids who are now facing foster care. My family can’t take all of them on, realistically, only a certain number of them. The others have been assigned Muslim foster parents.
I feel very guilty about the kids we can’t take on ourselves. What should I do?
MY ANSWER:
There are a lot of layers to this and there’s a lot going on, so let’s dive right in.
- Let Go Of The Guilt.
The very first thing I would do is practice the Inner Salam Method to let go of any and all underlying guilt.When your mind is guilt-ridden, you can’t think clearly, and you’ll default to making decisions that are designed to make you feel better instead of decisions that are optimal for everyone involved. - Guilt Doesn’t Mean You Did Something Wrong.
I know it’s counter-intuitive, but… guilt is not an indication that you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes totally innocent people feel guilt. The situation you’re in is literally outside of your control. It’s very common for people to feel guilt even when they’re not doing anything wrong, such as a person experiencing “Survivor’s guilt” after a train crash.Although you haven’t been in a physical train crash, the family situation you’re facing is incredibly difficult, and it’s normal that you would have guilt even though you’re totally innocent and haven’t done anything wrong.The key is to not fall for the guilt trap and let it go as soon as you notice it’s coming up. - Guilt is not a Mufti (Judge).
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our guilty feelings always pretend to be the law. Some of us even imagine that we know the difference between right and wrong based on whether we feel guilty or not.In Islam, law is not based on feeling. It’s based on objective knowledge. - Guilt-Based Action Is Misaligned
If you take additional family members on and commit to looking after them, but you did it only out of guilt, then in the end you’d be wronging them. How? You’d probably end up providing inadequate care that you really didn’t have the bandwidth for, you might feel the need to be less than completely truthful during social services assessments and most importantly, you’d be completely out of alignment with Allah’s will.In other words, your intention would be polluted. You would no longer be doing things out of sincere love, gratitude, and a desire to be connected with Allah. Instead, you’d be doing it for your own nafs-based feelings. - Align your will with Allah’s will.
You know what negative feelings really are…? They’re your nafs’ reaction to Allah’s will.The moment you resist Allah’s will, you feel bad instantly. The moment you surrender to what is – i.e. Allah’s will – you immediately feel better.You could even say to yourself internally, “I want whatever Allah wants, for myself and my family.” The moment we surrender to being at peace with what Allah wants, we feel totally aligned. - Fully Surrendered Prayer Is Very Powerful
Make dua (prayer requests) from a place of alignment.Dua can be incredibly powerful, but it’s most powerful when it’s done from a place of being fully aligned and at peace with Allah’s will.Think about it.You’re very lucky that some of the kids have found Muslim foster parents. I know Muslims who take on the enormous, noble task of fostering, and they’re incredible people.It could be that the kids actually get the support they need from the most unexpected place.
It reminds me of the Qur’an verse:
“Be conscious of Allah, and He will find a way out for you from where you never expected.”
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This is obviously a very big, serious issue. A lot of relief was experienced by the client who absorbed some of the insights I just shared.
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