One time I had a client who’s a successful businessman and he was asked by his wife to make some time during a busy weekday, so they could finally go on a date.
The man knew he had a very busy schedule, but he also knew that due to their work schedules, they hadn’t been out in a long time, so he agreed.
He asked her what time to leave the house and she said 11am.
“Great!” he thought. “We can leave at 11, go for an early lunch and I’ll be back at the office at 2pm for that super important meeting.”
At 10:45 he was back home from work, and had re-arranged everything until 2pm.
At 11am, he was ready to head out of the door. And his wife was still in her gym clothes.
At 11:15, he started getting a bit frustrated. And his wife was in the shower.
At 11:30 he was planning to give her a piece of his mind. And his wife was ‘deciding what to wear’.
At 12pm he cancelled the lunch reservation and he was FUMING. He couldn’t take it any more. He shouted:
“You said 11am. I cancelled all my meetings. You know I have a super busy day and I told you to make time on an evening but you insisted on the day time. You’re just taking the MICK!!”
Then, he saw his wife. Her bottom lip trembling. Wearing her best outfit. With her best makeup and glistening jewelry.
“I thought I would make myself look good for you and not just go out in my gym clothes like we usually do. I thought this could be a real date, like the ones we used to have.”
Then she broke down into tears, leaving the man feeling like a total IDIOT.
Any “points” he was going to score for making time for the day-date, got completely flushed down the toilet. Along with any romance or re-enactments of the honeymoon that he might have been hoping for.
The result?
His whole day got messed up anyway.
He had to reschedule all his afternoon meetings. But instead of having a great time with his wife, he had the energy drain of an unhappy wife who wasn’t getting her needs met… and certainly wasn’t going to meet his!
Where did it all go wrong?
Somewhere between 11:30am and 12pm, I’d say. Probably the point when he realised he was getting angry at her behaviour… but didn’t realise that his anger wasn’t CAUSED by her behaviour.
Had he realised that, he may have had the wherewithal to take a break from pacing around the house with his jaws clenched, hands balled up into fists and his buttocks tightened… and may have realised he needed to take that classic prophetic advice:
A Chill Pill.
Or perhaps a bit more accurately:
Stand still if you’re walking. Sit if you’re standing. Lie down if you’re sitting.
Or, go to the bathroom and wash yourself (wudu) with cold water.
Or, even better: pray.
Do anything BUT address your wife, while you’re angry.
What we usually don’t realise in the moment is this:
If he had a real point (which he did), it would have still been totally valid after he was calm, happy and in a totally peaceful place in his heart. He could have brought it up the next day or during a ‘couples meeting’. On the other hand, if it was an irrelevant point, which these things often turn into, after the emotions have passed, then what would be the point of bringing it up at all?
Alas, this may seem like easy advice to give. But how do you wake up to doing the best thing for your relationship, in the heat of the moment?
Simple:
While your mind is calm and collected; when you’re not in the middle of a heated argument with your spouse; while you’re not having crazy-anger-driven thoughts… go and take The Conscious Marriage Workshop training.
It’ll give you half a dozen ideas you can immediately implement to improve your marriage, starting with mindset and ending with deepening your connection with Allah, through your marriage.
So take off that wife-beater vest and go check it out now, before you do or say something you’ll regret :
