It may seem like a contradiction in terms, but the fastest way to achieve our goals, especially our relationship goals is to actually be completely detached from whether or not we achieve them.
The simplest way to think of this is: “Outcome Independence”. The more you’re emotionally dependent on any outcome, the more likely you are to repel it and sabotage your progress.
Keeping with the theme of this month, let’s use the example of someone who wants to find love.
Most people, at some point, reach a point in their lives where they feel a little bit lonely and they want to be happy and fulfill all of their desires and feel loved. And so they go to a website or go out to networking events, or go out and socialize more in the hopes of meeting a partner.
That seems perfectly reasonable, doesn’t it?
The trouble is that the starting point of this entire journey of searching for a partner began with wanting to not feel lonely and wanting to feel more happy and loved.
In other words, it’s being approached from the mindset of, “I’ll be happy and loved when I find a partner”, or “I’ll be less lonely when I can finally get married and live with someone”.
This is what I would call being ‘attached’ and emotionally dependent on the outcome of having a partner.
There’s another much more simple and powerful way of naturally attracting a partner: To let go of loneliness, to be absolutely fulfilled, happy and loved right here, right now. And then in that uplifted state, do the same physical actions required to meet someone.
I’ve noticed people fall into one of two categories: either they’re feeling lonely, needy, and desperate, and then they try searching for a partner; or they feel happy and whole and complete… And then don’t search for a partner because they don’t feel like they ‘need’ to.
Neither of these is the best way to go. Both of these options result in either not finding someone or finding lots of the wrong someone’s.
The balanced approach, the one that I recommend is outcome independence.
This is where you are emotionally completely independent of whether or not you find and marry someone. And yet you keep working on it.
I know that sounds like a fairy tale, right?
Well, it’s not. In fact, it’s something that is absolutely inevitable, after you go through the “Psychological Switch”.
The moment you understand the true source of all feeling, is the moment you are no longer attached to anyone or anything, because you’ve dropped the illusion that they can give you a feeling. In the same way that a sailor is not worried about falling off the face of the earth, because he knows the Earth is spherical, you will no longer be worried about whether or not you find a partner because you know that your feelings don’t actually come from that goal.
