One of the ‘secrets’ to successful relationships and a much happier, more drama-free life, is to simply live and let live.
The moment I get the genius idea in my mind, that it’s my job to advise someone else to make a change that I think they should make, problems start emerging.
If I think my brother should use a productivity system I’ve read about in a new book, or that my friend should try out a new weight loss protocol, my enthusiasm betrays me. It’s almost like the more I want them to change, the less likely they are to do it.
This is especially true in marriage.
If I notice my wife does something I don’t like, the more I try to point it out, correct it, or change it, the more frustrated I become.
The moment I let it go, ignore it and carry on with life as though it never happened, the happier I seem to become.
“But then, how will they ever change?!?!”
I’ve had this question more times than I can count. Usually from a woman who’s justifiably frustrated with her husband. And when she asks it, you can almost see the question marks and exclamation marks fly through the air.
Here’s the way it looks to me:
Firstly, people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. And when it comes to having perfect behavior, we’re all in glass houses.
Secondly, even if they want to make the change that I want them to make, behavioural change usually takes time. It takes many attempts at habit building, falling off, getting back on again, rinse and repeat many times over. If the desire to change didn’t really come from inside of the other person, I’d be foolish to think they’ll have the wherewithal to stick with it, just because I want them to.
This doesn’t mean people can’t change. (I’m a professional change-worker and I see people make changes all the time). It does mean that you can’t make people change.
Thirdly, if I’m waiting until they make the change in order for me to relax and be “okay” and happy again, then I’m making a triple-whammy mistake:
1) I’m stopping myself from being happy before they change (which might be quite a while).
2) Even if they do change, in reality, I won’t be any happier – my sneaky little nafs will notice another sub-optimal behaviour they’re doing and I’ll be convinced that after they change that one, then I’ll be happy.
3) The whole time I’m focused on the other person making changes and on my happiness… I’m not focused on the changes I could be making to make their life better
The good news is that you can transform your marriage, without waiting for your partner to change.
It starts the moment you discard the idea that they’re supposed to ‘make’ you happy and instead double down on the idea that the happier you become inside of yourself, the more loving you’ll feel towards them and the better the relationship will become over time.
If you’d to explore that perspective in more depth and see real-life examples of how it works, check out the Enlightened Relationship Training:
