Question From A Client:
My kid has just started university, and he’s feeling very lonely and insecure. He’s spending most of his time alone, getting bored and distracted, and isn’t feeling great about it. What would your advice to him be?
My Answer:
It has been said that most of the evils in the world stem from man’s inability to sit alone in silence.
My first question for someone who’s lonely, especially when they’re at university, is: what’s wrong with loneliness?
One of my clients recently told me she was really bored, and I asked her, “What’s wrong with boredom?” She frankly and honestly replied, “Well, if I’m bored and I’ve got nothing to do, I’ll just feel crap about myself.”
And in that moment, an insight dawned.
Much of what we do is simply a result of not being able to handle the negative feelings that may come up when we’re alone and we only have our inner self-talk for company.
When we start to deeply connect ourselves with Allah, when we learn to be present and quiet our minds, it becomes absolutely effortless to sit still, alone in silence. The inner critic – the judgmental Mufti in our minds – quiets down, and we soon find ourselves enjoying the beauty of our own presence and Allah’s Presence.
Now, that may all seem kind of esoteric and airy-fairy, so let’s make this a bit more practical.
Here are 7 ways to practically deal with experiencing loneliness and/or boredom:
- More Social Activity, Less Social Anxiety
When we’re at university, if we’re bored, it probably means we haven’t gone out and joined other students to partake in the plethora of activities designed to entertain students.My guess is the main reason we aren’t exploring all of those activities is a sense of overwhelm, and perhaps fear or social anxiety – especially for the generation raised by the devil. I mean smartphones.Notice if you can become aware of the feeling of fear, when you’re considering doing a social activity. Observe it for a few moments, and then take action in spite of it. Or, even better, do the “Inner Salam Method”, to completely let go of the fear of taking part, and then enjoy the activity like never before. - Be Of Service.
Loneliness, by its nature, is the thought of lack of connection with others.Instead of trying to get love and connection from others, which often fills us with concern with how we look to others and what they might think of us – try this instead: Look at who you might be able to go out into the world and serve. Service almost always has a counter-intuitive effect of making the person who’s doing it feel even better than the one who’s being served. Chances are, you’ll make other service-oriented friends along the way. University is perfect for this – there are lots of student union groups and organisations that do charity related work. - The Inner Salam Method.
If you’re bored, or if you’re afraid of being bored, the most beautiful, simple way of addressing it is to notice the feelings as they arise and sit with them – paying full attention and being fully present – and then noticing them dissipate all by themselves. This is the most direct route to eliminate the problem at its core. When you become good at the Inner Salam Method, you’ll never fear negative feelings, so you won’t avoid being bored or mind being alone. - Discover Your True Self.
Underneath the passing thoughts and feelings, there is a “Real You” – a consciousness, an awareness – that those thoughts and feelings are passing through. Thoughts are like images appearing on a screen. Your consciousness is the screen itself.
As you direct your attention away from the environment, the lack of people, the lack of connection, and away from the passing thoughts and feelings, and towards the inner “You” that is the one who is aware of all those things… suddenly all of the negativity begins to be replaced by a sense of the presence of your own spirit. And that’s when you’ll start to really notice Allah’s Presence. - Realise You’re Never Alone.
In reality, loneliness is a misperception. It’s the assumption that no one is with you.
From an Islamic spiritual perspective, there is never “no one” with you. The only question is whether you’re surrounding yourself with angels or demons!
Allah is always with you, watching you. The world is full of unseen entities whether you realise it or not. By simply being aware of Allah’s Presence, and maybe even invoking Allah’s names, suddenly you’re surrounded by angels.
Knowing that this is the case will often make negative, lonely feelings dissipate and vanish.
Which brings me to number six. (Your dad’s going to like this one…) - Seek Knowledge
You’re at university. There are probably always assignments and reading to do if you really wanted to. How does this affect loneliness?
As Cal Newport notes in ‘Deep Work’, one of the strange effects of doing work that demands your full cognitive attention is that you tend to feel good about yourself after a few hours.
Why? Because your attention is fully focused on what you’re reading… so you can’t be insecure or worried or fearful or lonely or upset about your ex, at the same time.
In fact, in Al-Ghazali’s Book of Knowledge, he attributes to the Prophet Muhammad the saying:
“…[Knowledge] is an intimate companion in solitude, a friend in retreat, and a guide to religion; it heartens one in ease and difficulty; it is an advisor among noble companions and a close friend among strangers; it is a guiding light on the path to heaven…”
And finally… - Party (On The Inside)
I’ve long held the belief that if I’m at a party and I don’t know anyone, it’s totally okay, because the real party is what’s happening inside of me.
If I’m ever waiting, or by myself, I can simply be enjoyin’ myself (“in joy in myself”).
The moment you decide that you are the party, suddenly you might find that people come to you instead of the other way around – because you’re no longer needing to get things from them.
If you want a deeper understanding of how to not only eliminate loneliness and boredom, but all types of negativity that block our connection with other people and with Allah, then you’ll probably enjoy the Instant Ihsan program. It goes into much more depth on how to do the Inner Salam Method, get in touch with your True (naturally joyful) Self and much more.
Check out the free preview web class at:
www.mamoonyusaf.com/ii
