A couple of months ago, I received this email from a sister.
My response will follow.
QUESTION:
As Salaam Alykum Mamoon
I want to share something with you.
I totally understand that as Muslims we sometimes use the word “date” to
mean to court and it doesn’t mean date in the American context of going out
endlessly and become bf/gf.
However, there is a huge problem with that.
When we call something it actually isn’t, we give others the permission to
do it.
What do I mean by that?
I read your email and I’m assuming you were courting the sister.
Someone else reads your email, and assumes your dating the sister like in
the American context. And so what shaytan will do is, we’ll if Mamoon can
outrightly date in one email and talk about reading Quran in another, why
can’t I?
We have to be really careful with the language that we use when we are talking about courting in 2025.
Its a hot mess out there. And yes Muslims are outright now “dating” like Americans.
Will changing the language stop EVERYTHING that is happening? Probably not.
But we have to do our part.
Let’s start by calling this what they are.
Muslims court, we dont date.
MY ANSWER:
The sister who sent me this makes a good point. There is a discrete but important difference between what Muslims do when we go through the process of finding a partner for marriage, and what others do.
If you were to look up regular dating advice for men, 99% of what you’ll find is advice on how to seduce a woman into sleeping with you before her common sense kicks in.
Similarly, if you were to look at dating advice for women, most of it is about getting intimate very early on and then trying to get the guy to commit to a long-term relationship. I remember watching the honourable Oprah Winfrey when I was a teenager, and even she said that around the third date was the ‘sweet spot’, where it’s not too late and not too early to get intimate with a partner – which was kind of shocking to me at the time as a good Muslim boy!
As Muslims, we do things differently ‘round here.
The most obvious difference is that we do our absolute best not to get intimate with someone before marriage. That is the whole point of marriage – it is literally signed mutual consent that these two people are now officially allowed to be together in a way that is blessed and rewarded by God.
Marriage exists in every culture, but the way relationships develop and how quickly or slowly things are formalized differs greatly. For Muslims, it’s pretty clear: no hanky-panky until everybody has signed a marriage contract.
For this reason, about 15 years ago, I coined a term to describe this process.
I don’t like the term “courting.” Firstly, it sounds like I’m living in the 18th century. Secondly, it doesn’t work well in conversation. Saying “I went on a court” or “I took my wife on a court” just doesn’t have the right ring to it. If you’re going to court, it sounds like you’re getting divorced, not married!
So my solution was to think of it in terms of “Taqwa Dating” – or “Conscious Dating”.
“I went on a Taqwa-Date.”
In a lot of ways, this solves the problem.
Anyone who reads the Quran immediately understands that taqwa means being conscious of God throughout the process – and most importantly, bringing a high level of consciousness into the conversations we’re having with potential partners.
Even though I firmly believe I “taqwa-dated” my wife – like the sister who sent me this email, she insists we only “talked” before marriage.
Anyway, whatever you want to call it, the good news is, there’s now a clear 10-step Roadmap to guide you through the process of going from ‘salam’ to soulmate.
And if you want a full breakdown of the 10 step plan – including exactly how to go through the “Taqwa-Dating” phase in a way that’s totally different from mainstream “dating” and actually brings you closer to Allah in the process – you’re going to love this webclass:
