What I’m about to share with you is not the be-all and end-all of marriage challenges and conflicts… but it does work fast and remarkably well.
If you want to have a long-term, successful marriage where you and your partner both get what you want, then use this “quick-fix” as you learn some of the more important, long-term insights and skills I share with you in my in-depth coaching programs. (And if you’re already a relationship coach, you’ll definitely want to add this one to your toolbox and share it with clients.)
Imagine your partner is mad at you about something. (I know, very difficult to imagine, right?) Or, imagine that you’re in a conflict because you’re not seeing eye-to-eye about a situation. He thinks you’re wrong and you think he’s wrong… and you’re going to get to the bottom of it tonight, by the end of this argument. (Or so your ego would like you to think).
As you’re ‘talking’ (or ranting like raving lunatics at each other), take a moment to notice something so obvious about the situation that it may have, in the moment, escaped your attention. What does the body language of the couple look like? Are they sitting or is one of them standing? Are they breathing deeply from their bellies in a calm, relaxed way, or do they have short, panting breaths designed to get enough oxygen in to shout their next point out loud? What’s the tone of voice like?
Here’s they key:
Are they touching?
Or are they standing on opposite sides of the room, with a hostile space in between them, as if to say ‘if I was near you, either you or I would not be safe’.
Whenever there’s a conflict, there’s always a lot going on beneath the surface. The partner feels misunderstood, not heard, not seen, not loved. If the partner can have re-assurance that underneath it all, they are loved, it changes the whole dynamic.
Trying to ‘say’ that in the middle of an argument won’t work, because it’ll likely get lost in the midst of all the other communication that’s happening.
So what’s the ‘trick’ to de-escalate the conflict, reassure your partner that they are loved and move things in a positive direction, no matter what issue you’re fighting over?
Simple:
Touch.
Go over to your partner and maintain physical contact with them in a way that feels natural and makes sense in context. It’s a way of firmly saying, in no uncertain terms: “I love you more than I’m mad at you”.
You might notice that when you do this, your tone softens and you both ‘loosen up’ and re-connect, putting the relationship first, instead of the ‘issue’ that you were arguing about and letting come between you.
This doesn’t ‘resolve’ the conflict, but it does start to save the real victim of the conflict: the love and connection you feel between each other.
This is another gem I learnt from one of the best relationship coaches on the planet, my friend and colleague Annie Lalla and she explains it in-depth on page 21 of her new mini e-book guide called:
“Mastering Love, Passion & Conflict.”
You can download it here:
www.mamoonyusaf.com/heart-guide/
